too close

i cannot touch you
even
if
you are just
within my reach.

can you fathom
the self control
i have to muster
in your presence?

you are my muse
in 46 poems

how can i not
want you
when
you are so near

but everyone
is here
and they
might
hear

the beating of my heart.

i try to silence
it with words

drowning this want

understanding

should I have seen the sign?
if I only bothered not to overlook
 beyond what I thought
as plain sight
the tears beneath the cackle
the sadness between the laughter
the agony within I should have
recognize
for it resides on me too
why did you let them catch you?

facebook

there he is all grown up. no longer the boy with the easy smile that makes my heart skip. i am also not who i was used to be. no longer the girl in pigtails who wear my heart on my sleeves. we both have kids for Christ's sake. but i still like knowing about his life. i still read his blogs, status update, etc. and it is as i still know him now when i read about what we had for lunch, what he thought of the last movie he saw or book he read.

rant

do you remember me? really remember me? please tell me because sometimes i forget myself. sorry, if i seem to be a tool but i am a little lost and my problem is i am not sure if i want to be found. so pardon me, tell me do you know me? really, really know me? tell me, tell me. am i good? cause i seldom feel that way. or am i bad? do you like me if i am so.

do i bend for you? will i do what you want me to? and if i do, will you bend for me too? cause i can go long with you if you tell me you want me to and if you swear you will go long with me too.

alaala

para lang kahapon
ilang taon na pala
bakit mo pa binibisita
ang nananahimik kong alaala

nagbago na ang hugis ng ating mga kahapon

paano ba kita makikilala
gayong ibang iba ka na
sa nakilala ko?

paano mo ko makikilala
gayong hindi na ako
ang dating ako

ngunit gayunpaman

kilala pa din kita

ang ngiti mo ay tumatama pa rin
sa kaibuturan ko
parang pana
sapol ako palagi
kahit ngayon
makalipas ang maraming taon

binabalikan ang alaala
ng yong halik
ang hulma ng iyong katawan.al

new year

it's a bit cliche to do a resolution so i wont call this a resolution i will call this a plan or maybe a list of things i hope i get to do this year. isn't it amazing how i can be so hopeful this 2012 even if they say this year will be the end of the world?

1. i should start writing more. i do not need to write a noble prize winner anyway. but i should get my thoughts on something. so i can find out how shallow i really am or stupid or bad in grammar.

2. ok i need to fess up with my weight and do something about it. maybe get proper nutritional counselling and yes i know i need to exercise. just after the holidays ok? please.

3. work on our finances. save up.

4. treasure my health and the kids. start seriously taking vitamins. i had four or more severe bouts of flu last year. time to get better.

5. pay serious attention to my work. i love working at tfdp. it combines both my desire to work for the people and all the luxury of a paid job. so i should do better at it. come on time... work on time... come on time!

6. the sundays are for the kids... the sundays are for the kids.

enigma

beautiful boy
you smile and it fills the room
pleases the crowd
you walk and take a sit
as we watch
gulp and sulk

don't speak please
don't ruin our illusions

let us remain impressed
by your beauty

reminiscing...

once upon a time we were revolutionaries
or so we thought we are.
drunk in the high of the rhetorics
of all our heroes and comrades
failed and alive.
the lullaby of songs of uprisings
lull as to dream
changing the system
changing the world.

now we are no longer revolutionaries
just trying to make our dent
drunk in the low of our everyday lives
of all our fallen heroes and comrades
failed and alive.
the lullabu of song of uprisings
we still sing
as we lull our children to dream
change the system kid
change the world.

Tonight i can write the saddest lines - Pablo Neruda

Tonight i can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example. 'the night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight i can write the saddest lines.
i loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one i held her in my arms
i kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and i loved her too.
how could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight i can write the saddes lines.
to think that i do not have her. to feel that i have lost her.

to hear the immense night, still more immense without her
and the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

what does it matter that my love could not keep her.
the night is shattered and she is not with me.

this is all. in the distance someone is singing. in the distance,
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

my sight searches for her as though to go to her
my heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

the same night whitening the same trees.
we, of that time, are no longer the same.

i no longer love her, that's certain, but how i loved her.
my voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

another's. she will be another's. like my kisses before.
her voice. her bright body. her infinite eyes.

i no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe i love her.
love is so short, forgetting is so long.

because throught nights like this one i held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that i write for her.

- nung pang isang araw ko gusto tumula kaso nasulat na ni pablo neruda ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin ng mas maganda pa sa kakayahan kong sabihin ito. paano pa ba sasabihin ng mas maganda ang linya na "love is so short, forgetting is so long". kahit na gaano kaikli ang panahon ng pag-ibig, kahit gaano kakaunti ang panahon ng pinagsama, hindi naman nangangahulungan na madgiging madali ang paglimot. kainis.

one for my husband

how can i forget how you betrayed me
when i see her face in your smile
how can i believe that you love me
when you uttered those words in her behalf.
how can i hold on t0 the years we've been together
when you've forgotten what they meant
when you went off with her

how can a sorry be enough
but what else can be done

when letting go is not an option
i would care to pursue.

state of my marriage

i am a heart breaking each and everyday
to bits and pieces
no amount of glue can restore.

i am a mind lost in the words
said and unsaid
trying to digest the lies you spoke.

part one

ngumiti ka at parang nabura ang 14 na taong dumaan mula ng una kong nasilayan ang iyong ngiti. freshman ako noon, naghihintay kay amy at grace dumating at may programa sa pop-eye.

mula sa third floor, nasilayan ko ang iyong ngiti ng tinawag ka. ngumiti ka sa mga nagtitipon at sa mga tulad kong nag-uusyoso lang.

"isang mapula at mapagpalayang pagbati sa inyong lahat" bati mo sa amin. at kahit alam kong ang pagbati na iyon ay para sa lahat ng naroroon ng panahon na iyon inari ko na akin yon. akin kasama ang ngiti mo.

nagsalita ka tungkol sa pagtataas ng tuition sa ibang mga unibersidad. ang totoo pang ilang tao ka na nga na napakinggan ko tungkol sa bagay na ito. ang totoo nga dati, wala akong kapakipakialam dahil bakit nga ba ako makikialam e dito sa atin ni singkong duling di naman tumataas ang tuition fee. pagdatin sa iyo, sabihin na lang natin na gusto ko na ring makialam. Kaya ng magyaya ka na magsibaba na kami at sumama sa martsa nyo papuntang mendiola, karay karay ko si Amy at Grace pababa ng main.

Dinala mo nga kami sa Mendiola. Ang haba ng lakad. Galit na galit si Grace kasi naka heels siya. Si Amy naman muntik hikain. Ang layo din naman kasi talaga lalo na sa aking allergic sa grueling exercises. di ko nga akalaing darating ang araw na sasama ako sa rally. ako pa? na naiinis sa trapik na dinudulot sa legarda papuntang quiapo dahil sa mga rally rally. hindi ko rin inambisyong magbilad sa kalye at magrisk magka-skin caner na may hawak hawak na mga plakard. masakit ata yon sa kilili! not to mention di ko binalak magsisigaw ng ibagsak.

Pagdating ng mendiola, nagpaDG kayo sa kalsada. Syempre, sinadya ko na mapabilang kami sa grupo mo. Gusto na nina Grace umuwi pero di nila ako maiwan. kaya tatlo kaming kasama sa grupo mo at nung araw ding iyon, kaming tatlo ang bago mong mga recruit.

para sayo

hindi na ko umaawit
ng mga kanta
na para sayo

di na rin
ako dumadaan
sa mga lugar
na maaring daanan mo

ngunit bakit ko ba
paliitin
ang aking mundo?

lalo na

kung para lang sa'yo.

random thoughts on getting old

i realized i'm getting old. my skin is starting to show freckles and sun spots. if i would judge from my mom's skin and the laws of genetic, i am on my way to becoming a dalmatian.

my skin is getting dry. i could write statements on my forearm with white mark scratches. the problem is i am not comfortable (i actually feel icky) with lotion.

everybody is getting obsessed with getting old. celebrities from tv are shooting up poison on their forehead to hide wrinkles.

i saw my ex super dooper crush (the only guy i really had a crush that was not based in celebral capability but by the simple fact that he is cute. aga muhlach in bagets cute). he is getting old as well. in a michael j. fox sort of way. the crinks are showing around the eyes and it is sad since he used to have really cute eyes.

pixie dust junkie

i've run out of supplies.
damn peter that horder.
thinking he is the only
one who deserves to fly.

there is scarcity
in neverland
the grown-ups are taking over
run for cover.

asswipe boy
you lost your marbles again.
rushing after fairies
and winding up in ships

the pirates are awaiting
to steal your precious dreams.
can't i just go back to bed now
and wake up
from this sleep.

so i will not forget...

"Many poets follow false paths,
but if the poet is with the people
to the bitter end,
like a conscience-
then nothingcan possibly overthrow poetry."

-Yevgeny Yevtushenko's Epistle for Neruda, 1973

sa pagitan ng kahapon at ngayon

may mga bagay na kailan
lang
nangyari
para tawaging alaala.
katulad ng ngiti niya
pinukol
sa hangin
habang nagpaalam.
sino ang magsasabi
na ang ngiti
ay tapos na
kung akong tinampulan
ay nakalutang pa sa hangin
dahil sa kanyang ngiti?

why Zoe?

Zoe is life in Greek
often used as mother of life
just like Eve.

Zoe is a monster.
the little niece of Oscar
the Grouch.

Zoe is a feminization
of Zooey, the sanest
of the Glass family
on JD Salinger's book.

Zoe is the defunct channel
of the Jesus is Lord Fellowship
before their leader
decided he'd rather be president.

Horror Helper

our maid is a major drama queen. every week she has another sob story. one after the other. it doesn't work on me though. i am not emphatic. actually i am extremely cynical.
but it does work on my mom. she has gone softer with age. i remember when she was younger, she wouldn't even lend her sister money for her niece's tuition. because as she said, it was my aunt's fault that she doesn't have money. she puts it this way "para kasing butiki, yumayakap sa dingding." somehow she make sense.
according to our maid her dad died yesterday. i don't know though. it's been the second death on her family since she has been with us. and she's been with us less that 2 months!
in between deaths, there were also unfortunate events a fight with a daughter in law, in which she unknowingly cursed the girl and her grandchild causing them not to be able to walk and having to go home to undo the curse then there was also her niece who she first said was a paragon of virtue with evil spawn for bosses that turns out to be the other way around.
Maybe she isn't really a drama queen after all. she is the spooky lady.
Her life is so morbid.

first entry....

bought a new notebook, here is my first entry.

- i am afraid of the blank sheet. tabula rasa phobia of some sort.
- for one thing i have a bad penmanship that ruin the cleanliness and prettiness of the page.
- i've read through my friends blogs on friendster. it's surprisinng to find who among them have depth.
- or maybe what i find as depth could only mean a lot of free time on their hands.
- or boring jobs with fast internet access.
- blogs are great. you can blab about anything nobody else really care about.
- i am writing all these inside the bus. obviously it isn't moving as you can see in my handwriting.
- the truth is i just bought this notebook and just want to know if the pen will glide on it.
- yes it does.
- i have given up on journals. am not the the type of person who can take responsibility in chronologically dissecting my everyday.